It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
