We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
