im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Acid is not a monday night drug
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
