apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If I die, sorry about rent.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
