So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
