final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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