we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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