The brown eye won't let me do that either.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
