Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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