just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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