I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
