he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Someone came in the potted fern
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
