I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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