just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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