how can u be prego again
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
