My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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