She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
