Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
