something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
