remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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