I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
