I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
