I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
