pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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