I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
