Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize