If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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