I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
