Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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