There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Congratulations! We have a period
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize