If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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