I wish I only lived at night.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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