St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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