You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
