I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
