Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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