Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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