If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We need to get me chipped asap
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize