I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
