there's paper in my vomit.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The power of my boobs compel you
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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