toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
its not stalking. its research.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
