The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
