Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
