Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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