Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
how drunk are you?
Several
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
