I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I need a beard to bite.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
