You just made me feel so damn special
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
