in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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