I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
