I think I won the penis lottery.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
