You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
