the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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