If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
