i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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